Delirium

Note: This is a CarmillaxLaura fanfic. There is no serious action going on here, but it may still be disturbing to some.



I would never have imagined that the moment I would write this would arrive.


The ghost of the past haunt me even in my far-away living place in England. Each gust of the wind rustling through the autumn leaves sounds like a promising whisper; each creak of the wooden floor is the sound of Her approaching. I almost feel the warmth of Her arms embracing me from behind. Melancholy has claimed my mind and finally I have succumbed to my surroundings' beckons as I write down the tale of my encounter with Countess Karnstein. I must confess, that I did not include all of our peculiarities in my previous diary, and I am glad I did not. God only knows what would have occurred if father and the General had stumbled upon it back in Styria. The thought itself makes me cringe in my chair with fear.

She was dear to me, and yet, thinking upon the events of Styria makes my heart pound in my ears, and the pen slip from between my sweaty fingertips. But I am obliged to do this.

Or the past will haunt me forever.

***

I fear it is not a long story. It happened during a single night, a night that was never to be repeated.

I may not have mentioned this as directly as I should have, but ever since Carmilla had stepped into my life, nightmares plagued me. They only intensified along with the chain of deaths in the surrounding villages and I woke almost each night. It was no different on this particular one; but the memory of it has been slowly fading from my mind, and now I only remember waking with a gasp. But this time, it was as if the nightmare had not yielded. A very peculiar feeling drained my body of heat as I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to pry whatever was watching me  away.

My body stiffened in fear as chill knuckles brushed my cheek with ice. I curled my fingers around the sheets, grasping them as if to protect myself.

A nightmare. It was as if I still was in the realm of sleep. If I stayed like this long enough, surely I would wake.

"Laura."

A soft voice beckoned me to open me eyes, and the fear slipped away. I could not resist. In the dark silhouette I promptly recognized Carmilla, her pale complexion gleaming in the darkness with her slender neck and drooping shoulders, and a pale breast rising in respiration
, exposed by the neckline of her flowing nightdress, between two streams of dark hair.

The mattress squeaked as she moved closer to me and my heartbeat quickened, my fingers digging into the sheets. Her hot breath stroked my neck and then, she pressed her lips to my neck, leaving a moist mark. My heart was up in my throat when she retracted herself. As her
burning gaze locked with mine, I felt a very a strange sensation. An impossible languor overcame me, and I found it no longer possible to stay awake as my eyelids started closing on their own, a soft whisper tickling my ear, making me shiver in a pleasurable feeling I did not know before.

A chill pierced my breast, forcing me to stay half-conscious, Camilla's lips touching my bosom ever so lightly.

"You are mine and you shall be mine forever."

After that I can only recall Carmilla's grey eyes glancing into mine with a strange fondness, a moment before my eyelids fell closed.

***

Several hours later I was waken by a horrible ruckus. Shouts echoed downstairs along with the shuffling of furniture. The tramp of someone running up the stairs reached my ears and hammered in my head and my face contracted in pain. Why would anyone make such a chaos in the middle of the night?

"Laura! Carmilla is gone!"

The shout exploded in my head.

My father was standing at the doorstep, hunched over, one hand grasping the door frame. I made an effort most painful to look at him, blinking away the black spots in my sight.

He was an image of disorder. His shirt was partly unbuttoned, his glasses askew and his hair and beard ruffled. Not comprehending his words, I stared in confusion as he opened my wardrobe and searched every corner of my chamber. He cursed under his nose and turned to me.

"I am going outside to search for her."

I opened my mouth but closed it at once. Surely whatever it was I had experienced mere hours ago must had been a very unbecoming dream. I raised myself, determined to aid my father in search.

He had however, rushed out of the room by the time I stood up. The world swayed around me, a thousand of ferocious bees humming in my head.

***

The chillness of the floor brought me to my consciousness. Shuddering from the cold I blinked a few times before my eyes shot open.

Carmilla's magnetizing gaze paralyzed me like that of a basilisk. Her mouth opened in a smile, beautiful, yet terrifying and my heart skipped a beat. The cold of the floor spread through my fingertips to my body, freezing me in place.

I tried to say anything, but I could not move, a tingling sensation having replaced the cold feeling. My throat tightened in panic and my mind raced.

Carmilla only bent her neck and hovered over me on her fours for a moment before her lips brushed my collar-bone. She took my hand and pressed it to her cheek with such a strength that I felt pain despite the numbness of my arm.

For a moment, she made no move. Her mouth was slightly open, and her breathing was fast, her eyes watery and yet ablaze with languish, her cheeks crimson. I felt heat rise to my face under her gaze as she captured my lips in a one-sided kiss, while I was nearly choking on my own breath, the mortal fear making it impossible for me to catch my breath or to break free.

The agony, however, ended soon: Carmilla's lips touched my earlobe and whispered:

"Goodbye, my love."

I blinked, suddenly having regained the ability to move. And then, she was gone. As if she never had been there in the first place.

***

You can most probably conclude what happened after Carmilla's disappearance. I heard the clatter of servants' heels and the tramp of heavy boots and soon both the servants and my father with a physician were crouching by my side, their faces marred with worry. I was so shaken, that I could merely say:

"Carmilla…Carmilla was here. You were searching for her outside, but she was here."

My father looked upon me in such an odd way when I confessed the fact. He threw a rather alarming gaze at the doctor, who pressed a cold hand to my forehead, his eyes widened and he whispered something to my father in a way most discreet. It took a moment for him to order the servants to wrap me in my bedding and let me rest and keep a watchful eye on me. After that I was given a bitter medication, which I weakly swallowed.

***
And this would be the end of my story if not for a peculiarity, which had occurred. You see, I discovered that none of which I had experienced happened in the actual. They were merely images created by a grieving, delirious mind; as I had come to know, I was so heartbroken after my beloved friend's death that I could forgive neither my father, nor the General, despite having known Countess Karstein's true nature and origin.

And looking back on these events, and still cannot forgive them for the harm they have inflicted upon me. But most of all, I cannot forgive myself for the pain I brought upon Carmilla, with my frivolous words, devoid of meaning and understanding. She must have suffered so; yet I never noticed her efforts. I believe, that deep at heart, I actually harbored such a strange affection for her, and that I still do.
It pains me to write these final words of my story, because as I do so, I realize that the life of Carmilla – not Mircalla and not Millarca – is about to come to a true end. No longer will she plague my dreams and conscious; and I shall finally be truly alone.